For The Love of Comics

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For the Love of Guest Posts - AJ Knows Why Batman is Superior to Iron Man

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Source: WikipediaCracka’s Note: During the craziness of the first week of the Awesome Arena Tournament of Champions battle between Batman and Iron Man, MidKnight and AJ placed a bet on who would win. MidKnight supported - of course - The Dark Knight. AJ supported Iron Man. The loser would have to write an essay on why their choice was inferior to the other combatant. As we all now know, MidKnight won.

This is AJ’s essay.

Batman. He’s a man, not a bat, but that doesn’t make him any less awesome, does it? You bet your “Holy Moodiness!” it doesn’t. No, Batman truly is the peek physical specimen that any hero should aspire to be, and marvel at when he or she is not. Meanwhile, his opponent in this battle, Iron Man (Super alias of Anthony Stark), is what? A sniveling drunk, that’s what! Some gullible naves (myself not among them of course, I obviously know Batman could and did kick Iron Girl’s ass) actually believed that Stark had the one-up on Bats because of his armor. Bah! Anybody who’s read a comic besides Archie knows that Batman has countless weapons at his disposal, such as EMPs and grappling guns to dispatch the Iron Whimp. Batman is also an expert in many, many hand-to-hand forms of combat, something Tony can’t claim. Sure, Tony may have sparred with Captain America or Hawkeye a few times, but you know who he sparred with a lot more? Jack Daniels, thats who!
Another point in Bruce’s favor is his wealth. According to the Forbes List at http://www.forbes.com/2007/12/11/richest-fictional-characters-oped-books-fict1507-cx_mn_de_1211fictional15_land.html , Bruce Wayne is ranked Number Eight in the Top Fifteen Wealthy Fictional people, while Tony Stark is stuck in double digits at Number Ten. And, on top of that, Bruce spends his money on crime fighting and charity. You know what Stark spends it on? The Avengers, booze, and whores.
And that’s not all. According to BusinessWeek, at http://images.businessweek.com/ss/06/05/smart_heroes/index_01.htm, Batman comes in at Number Two on the Top Ten Smartest Superheroes, while Tony Stark is close behind at Number Three, with the key word being, behind. As in “Tony Stark may get more behind, but Bruce Wayne is no slouch either, and he doesn’t need a parade of bimbos to make him feel better about not being Batman…because he is Batman.” Put that in your Stark Enterprises brand pipe and smoke it!
Lets take a second to examine the cast of characters that these two surround themselves with. Batman has the the Robins - Dick Grayson (who became bad ass Nightwing), Jason Todd (who became a bad ass corpse, and later bad ass resurrected and pissed off dude), and Tim Drake (who is still a whiny pansy and occasionally cool), and that chick one who died but no one seems to remember or really give a damn about. There’s also Commissioner Gordon, who’s played by Gary Oldman, ’nuff said. Then theres Barbara Gordon, Catwoman, and all his various allies and their baddassery. On the flip side, who does Iron Man have? Jim Rhodes, who is actually a cooler version of Iron Man than fucking Iron Man! Happy Hogan, God rest his soul, who isn’t around anymore. Pepper Potts, who Tony spent all his time trying to get with, despite the fact that she was married to his buddy Hogan. Gee Tony, you sure do know how to pick a bunch of winners. And then theres Jarvis. I have to give it to Jarvis. I couldn’t even lie and say Alfred Pennyworth is cooler than Jarvis, because Jarvis is fuckin’ harsh. Keep it real EJ, keep it real.
Okay, so lets move on to the rogues galleries of the two combatants. Clayface, Scarecrow, Penguin, The Riddler, Killer Croc, Ra’s al Ghul, Two-Face, and of course the mothafuckin’ Joker! Not to mention hundreds more, all of whom Batman has opened a can of whoop-ass upon. My God, what a group of amazing villians. I may make mine Marvel (Alliteration Ahoy!), but the Joker and Two-Face are by far two of my favorite comic villians (which is why I’m psyched for the the upcoming Dark Knight). So complex and layered, and fucked up…gah, I could do a thousand words alone on why those dudes are awesome, but I won’t. Conversely, who does Iron Man get? And, for the record, I’m not talking Avengers villians here, I’m going with original Iron Man villians. Fing Fang Foom, M.O.D.O.K, The Mandarin, Titanium Man…eh. I mean, sure, they’re aight, but they’re no Harvey Dent or Joe Kerr. Plus, Iron Man actually has a villain called “The Unicorn.” A Soviet super soldier called “The Unicorn.” If I was a Soviet, and somebody told me I could be a super villain, but I had to be “The Unicorn.” I would go “For the Motherland!” and shoot myself in the face.
So, anyway, what else is there to say? Iron Man is currently starring in Mighty Avengers, in which he seemingly dies in almost every god damned issue, only to miraculously and unfortunately not be dead in the next issue. He’s also got his own series chugging along “Iron Man: Director of S.H.I.E.L.D”…whoopee. He got Captain America killed because of his stupid Civil War…asshole. He’s probably going to be revealed as a Skrull, absolving him of every wrong-doing he’s committed recently, while causing a massive continuity train wreck, which Joe Q will just shrug off and give a passive aggressive insult to the heart of the fan base. Iron Man will come out of some kind of prison, give up running S.H.I.E.L.D, which will of course return to the infinitely more capable hands of Nick Fury, and tell everybody that everything that happened he would’ve done the opposite of. He will miraculously clone Captain America, marry him, and reunite the Avengers while causing Maria Hill’s head to explode….okay, the Maria Hill head explosion thing is just wishful thinking, but you all know you were thinking it too.
And what will Batman do? Batman will continue being awesome, fighting the Joker, Tim Drake will die or disown him sooner or later to drive him even further into his cause, The Dark Knight will do better at the box office than Iron Man, the Iron Man game will be “aight” but overall disappointing, and Batman will forever reign supreme.
Thee End

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